


Number four

by mendraxwrites



Series: Volleymonogatari [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, Mentions of kagehina, Objectification, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Smoking, Underwear Kink
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-08-24 10:27:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8368822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mendraxwrites/pseuds/mendraxwrites
Summary: A melancholic Oikawa goes into a café and, on his way out, he's called out by Hinata, who's been there for a long time. This strange encounter leads to more, eventually culminating in the realization of their darkest fantasies. But will this idyllic scenario be one step closer to freedom or something better left unknown?





	1. Prelude: Two questions

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! Just wanted to warn everybody that English isn't my first language (it's Spanish). I'm not bad at it, but I still make spelling or grammar errors every now and then. Hope you can overlook them. Though if things get really hard to understand, do tell me so and I'll see what I can do to fix it ;D

They were sitting in the outside tables of the café. Hinata’s stare was fixated in the people passing by. He didn’t seem concerned about talking to Oikawa in the slightest, even though he had called out to him in such a loud and excited way that, much to Oikawa’s embarrassment, everyone in the café looked at them for a while. On the other hand, Oikawa couldn’t take his eyes away from Hinata. He was particularly concerned with his outfit: gray sweatpants, white t-shirt, sandals and, thankfully, no socks. He wondered why the little guy looked so scruffy on a Tuesday afternoon like this when, to his knowledge, Karasuno couldn’t afford to have a day free of practice during the week. On top of that, the laptop, the two empty mugs and the half eaten cupcake suggested he had been there for quite a while. Considering that school had only finished an hour and a half ago and that this place was far nearer to Seijoh than Karasuno, Oikawa couldn’t think of a proper reason for the whole thing. He wanted to ask but, at the same time, he didn’t feel like he cared enough to do it. Besides, the way Hinata was turning his head to look at the passers made the muscles in his neck tense in a way that Oikawa had never noticed before. His neck appeared longer, more delicate, as if inviting him to reach out and grasp it with one hand, squeeze it, feel its marshmallow softness tightening, violently spasming until it finally…

“So what are you doing here on a Tuesday? I thought you couldn’t afford to take days off, Oikawa-sama,” said Hinata, without turning his head.

“What?! Seriously… huh?! How dare you?!” said Oikawa, feeling like standing up and grabbing Hinata by the clothes to jerk him around.

“I’m just asking. Someone like you seems like they need to train so hard.”

“Someone like me?!”

“Yeah, an awesome setter like you. I mean, I know Kageyama trains his life away every single day and he’s pretty good…”

“He’s fucking great!”

“Ok… so what are you doing here, Oikawa-sama?”

“I… just wanted a coffee.”

“Why?”

“ _Why?_ ”

“Yeah, it’s really hot. Coffee is not something you want with this weather… maybe a smoothie?”

“But it’s cold… I mean, it’s coffee with ice… a frappe.”

“That’s very Greek of you, Oikawa-sama!”

“Huh? I don’t know… I just like it. It’s good. Want some?”

“Sure!”

For the first time since Oikawa sat down, Hinata turned his head at him. He almost snatched the drink from his hand and started sucking the straw so forcefully. “Like a child”, Oikawa thought. He was so stunned about the conversation he had just had. He imagined that if he were to recount it to someone, they probably wouldn’t believe him. Something didn’t make sense. Was it his willingness to offer his drink so easily after feeling insulted like that? The fact that he defended Kageyama? Or Hinata’s… what? There was definitely something off about him. He appeared to be present and absent at the same time. His happy-go-lucky vibe could still be sensed in his playful insistence of calling him Oikawa-sama, but his dimwit attitude was gone. Oikawa felt like he was being toyed around and yet he wasn’t exactly bothered about that. It was something else. A certain kind of sadness that stung whenever he stared for too long at Hinata. He would pick on new things about his aspect. Oily hair, sweat stains on his t-shirt, dark circles that account for a lack of sleep. They all add to that scruffiness Oikawa first perceived, almost transforming it in a call for help. He was about to ask him if he was alright, if there was something going on with him that would produce such abandonment on his looks, but Hinata stood up and reached into his pocket. As he did this, his pants, that were already saggy, dropped further, revealing a good chunk of his underwear. Oikawa’s mind froze. He unabashedly stared at the little guy’s undies, cherry red, cotton, all bunched up in little folds above his pants. He recalled all the other times he saw Hinata’s underwear. The first was during that practice match at Seijoh while he was warming up to play and Hinata, after failing to spike a toss from Kageyama, fell on his back causing his shorts to ride up, revealing the bottom of some neon yellow boxers. Then he saw him stripping down to a pair bright orange boxers with tiny eagles, drunkenly dancing with Tsukishima, in a video, which Oikawa downloaded immediately, of a party at Kageyama’s house that Karasuno’s manager uploaded to facebook. The third time had been just a week ago when a wasted Sugawara threw some of Hinata’s clothes, that he had found in a suitcase, at him with the excuse of them not belonging in there anymore, and tasking Oikawa with finding some Jr. High kid that would fit in them. He took a pair of neon blue boxers with him, that he kept away in a box full of ripped underwear (souvenirs of his encounters with Nishinoya), and a Doreamon t-shirt to avoid suspicion. The fourth time, and last, was happening right then and it was soon becoming his favorite sighting, just below that wonderful video, when, after pulling out a package of cigarettes from his pocket, Hinata stretched without the tiniest bit of shame, making his shirt rise above his belly button and exposing how low his pants were sagging. Oikawa’s heart skipped a beat and then started thumping so hard he worried about it being heard. He never thought he would get such a live show from Hinata. Then again, he never thought he would be sitting in a café with him but that was just how this day was turning out. It was, no doubt, an improvement because that melancholy he had been feeling before leaving his house, the one that had caused him to skip practice and wander through the streets, eventually arriving at this café where, on his way out, Hinata called out for him, was now being replaced with pure excitement. He was loving all of it, the black waistband that went perfectly with the cherry red, the stubble in the fabric, like that of a peach, the sewing in the package area which made a curved “Y”. He wondered if Hinata was conscious about it. If he actually liked his pants to hang that way, or if it was just another sign of his lack of caring about his looks. He got a brief response when Hinata placed a cigarette in his mouth and then pulled his boxers up, to get rid of the wrinkles and folds, but left his pants untouched. This made Oikawa feel a little tingle in the tip of his penis.

“Do you want one?” asked Hinata, extending the pack of cigarettes to Oikawa.

“I don’t smoke,” he replied, still staring.

“Huh. Good for you.” – he pulled his shirt down, covering most of his underwear and making Oikawa snap out of his trance.

“How can you guys be smoking, anyway?”

“What guys?”

“You know, Karasuno. Almost everyone I’ve talked to from there smokes. I don’t get it. You’re only making yourselves run out of breath faster.”

“Well… I don’t know about them, but me… I’m not part of the team anymore.”

“What?!”

“I quit.”

“I’m sorry?!”

“Don’t be. I’m not.”

“No! Idiot… why did you quit?”

Hinata lit his cigarette. It annoyed him that everyone always fixated on the “why” of it. Mainly because he felt people always asked it, not out of curiosity, but more like a reproach. As if they expected him to not know how to answer and, by some zen magic, realize what a terrible thing he had done. But what no one seemed to really understand, or even care about, was that Hinata never thought of it as a bad thing. In fact, he thought of it as something that had to be done. He was trapped; he was trying to set himself free. Leaving the team and dropping out of school was just like stepping outside of the cage. He still needed to figure out where to go from there. If anything, the one question he expected from people was “so now what?” To which he would answer: “I’m on it.” Though he knew that would never happen.

“Chibi-chan… are you ok?” asked Oikawa and, with the way Hinata glared at him, he wished he hadn’t. “Uh… sorry? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but you just got like all sulky…”

“Have you ever thought about what Kageyama might be like during sex?” – the cheerful tone and the defiant stare made Oikawa nervous. Hinata gave one hit to his half smoked cig and continued drinking the frappe.

“Why are you asking me that?” – he looked down and his right hand began trembling slightly- “You…”

“I have. That’s why I’m asking. It amazes me the amount of people that don’t see Kageyama that way. I mean, he’s so damn intense. You can feel it just by standing next to him. The energy. It’s almost scary. We became boyfriends after a month of being in the team and, when that happemed. I used to jerk off so much to the idea of him tossing me on the bed, ripping my clothes off and ravaging me with that same intensity he has on the court. But…”–he chugged half the frappe-“Damn. This is good.”

“But what?”

“Ah yeah… but the guy was so frigid. You know what I mean? Like it wasn’t just that he didn’t know what to do in bed, no, he couldn’t even get it up. It was heartbreaking. All the force in his body, his tight muscles, it was all a waste. Don’t get me wrong; there were good things about him but… fuck, he didn’t even know how to kiss. I mean he touched my lips with his lips but that was it. He never stuck his tongue in my mouth or anything and, every time I did, it would always feel like I was invading him. Almost raping him. Can you imagine that?”-he gave one last smoke before putting the cigarette off on his sole.

Oikawa wanted to walk away. Everything Hinata was saying felt like it was leading to something bigger. At anytime he was going to drop a bomb that would completely shatter Oikawa. He had to leave before that happened but he couldn’t. There was a terrifying thought in his mind: even if he ran away now, he would eventually come across Hinata again. Better to just deal with this right now.

“Wh-wh-wh-why are you telling me this?” said Oikawa, his little stutter made him sound like he was about to cry.

“Oh, because it concerns you, Oikawa-sama.”

“Me? Ho-how?” – his left cheek started trembling. Since he was a little boy, that had always been a sign that tears were coming.

“Well, Oikawa-sama, I got two questions for you. The first one has to do with Kageyama. You see, Kageyama didn’t talk much about himself and he especially didn’t like talking about his intimacy problems. I’m not sure how to say this but, near the end of… well, us, I sort of got the impression that maybe he hadn’t always been that way. That something had happened to him and, since you two were together in middle school, I… I don’t know, I was kind of hoping you might know something. Like… did he… get hurt someway?”

Boom! The bomb had dropped and it left Oikawa’s mouth completely dry. He tried to gulp but it was hard to swallow. A storm of questions invaded him, threatening to mess up his nerves beyond repair. _Is Hinata seriously asking that? Or does he already know what happened? Does he just want to hear it from me? If Hinata knows then who else might know? Am I ready to admit my guilt? To face the backlash of it? To let someone else see the cruelty of this beast? Would anyone care how much I regret it… at times? Who would stay with me besides that? Who’s gonna love me?_

“I-I don’t know… I didn’t talk much to him back then,” he lied, not minding the dryness of his mouth, trying his best to hold back the tears and the trembling. He didn’t dare to look at Hinata.

“Hmmm… shame. I was really hoping you knew something… anything really. I mean… whenever Kageyama pushed me away or shut his legs tightly to make me stop… I…I always felt so…”

Hinata went completely silent again. This time he didn’t lit a cigarette, he just stared into space. Oikawa dared to look at him. What had been off became clear to him then. He was expecting another Hinata, one that would never be again. The indifference in his voice when stating he had quit his team was the main reason to be sure of that. “I’ll never see him spike again,” Oikawa thought. Even with the fact that Hinata was never a teammate to him, he felt that an irreplaceable loss had been suffered. Though he didn’t feel like reproaching him for it. He thought that he must have had his reasons and, if anything, this was harder for him than for anyone else. A smile was almost formed in his face. He was feeling compassion for another guy again and all in the span of four days. “First Koshi and now him. The Karasuno boys sure are something else,” he thought. Then he understood that the fear of running into Hinata after this was not fueled by the boy himself, but by his own desire to help him somehow. He realized that this Hinata staring blankly into space seemed vulnerable and that the one he had been talking to was someone else. Someone Hinata had created, a hardened version of him, with the purpose of keeping people away or, at least, that’s what Oikawa hoped for. He suddenly felt like reaching out to him, hold his hand, tell him that everything was going to be alright, that he didn’t make a bad decision, that he wasn’t alone. But the other boy blinked and everything he thought he had seen in him was gone. Hinata just drank more from the almost finished frappe and then looked at Oikawa, with a grin on his face. It was mischievous grin that made Oikawa a little nervous, as if even that vulnerability in Hinata’s eyes a second ago had also been part of a masterful prank on him, a way of making him drop his guard for one final and more lethal hit. “Of course,” Oikawa thought, “He did say he had two questions after all.”

“I’m sorry but before I continue, I would like to ask you the other question.”

“Uh… ok, go ahead.”

“It has to do with my reason for breaking up with Kageyama”-he leaned forward as if he wanted to whisper a secret-“Tell me, Oikawa-sama, do you think I’m fuckable?”


	2. A reason and a favor

“Oh yeah, totally,” Oikawa replied and the earnest way he did it left both of them speechless for a few seconds. “I mean… yeah, sure, you’re very…”

Hinata giggled and, jumping out of his chair with his arms raised up, he let out a cheerful “Yeeeiiii!!!” That was the last glimpse Oikawa would ever get of the former, child-like Hinata. Months later, he would deeply regret not having cherished it enough in the moment but right then he was torn between feeling embarrassed at the amount of people that were looking at them and low-key horny cuz, with both hands in the air, Hinata was giving him another pick of those cherry red boxers. 

“I can’t believe this…” Hinata said, sitting down with the biggest smile he’d had on his face for weeks. “Really, I can’t believe this!”

“What? It’s really n-”

“I can’t believe that someone so pretty would say that to me. I mean, you didn’t even think about it, you just said it. Thank you!”

“Pretty?”

“Yeah!”

“I’ve never… I’ve never been called pretty.” – he couldn’t help but smile too.

“Oh, c’mon? Really? That’s bullshit!”  
“No… it’s true… I mean, I’ve been called handsome… attractive… stuff like that. Never pretty.”

“See… I don’t think those words suit you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well… it’s like… like those words are too… masculine for you? I think people see your build and go ‘Oooo, what a hunk! Beefcake! PEE ON ME!!’-they both laughed-“but… I don’t know… I guess it’s the way you carry yourself? It has this graceful… damn, whatever it is… uhm… fierceness? A graceful fierceness? And it feels to me as something more typically feminine, you know? Oh, and your face it’s not like rough enough to be handsome cuz it’s more… I don’t wanna say delicate but… refined? So pretty sounds more accurate. I mean, I bet people tell you that you look like your mom!”

The smile on Oikawa’s face disappeared almost immediately. It was true. All the family friends used to say so, even more after she passed away. He felt an unparalleled joy each time it happened and the fact that neither his brother nor sister got such compliment, filled him with a sense of pride and gratefulness. If he wasn’t smiling anymore, it was only because no one that hadn’t met her had said it to him. He was simply stunned that Hinata could see that just by looking at him. It proved that all those comments weren’t the product of some delusion caused by people’s need to fill the void she had left. The thought that, no matter how much he changed as a person, he would still have something of her made his chest all warm with happiness. She had gifted him with something he would never loose and he loved that.

“Sorry, did that offend you? I didn’t mean it that way,” said Hinata.

“No, not at all! It’s true. People tell me I look like her,”-he hesitated for a bit-“Thank you, Hinata.”

“Nah, thank you. Seriously, I feel like I just graduated from something. I finally have the approval of… well, a guy! Near my age at least… I mean, the only other real life person who was as ready for that question as you was Yachi and… yeah, I guess she committed to it and showed me how fuckable I can be but… I don’t know, she’s my friend, she had spent more time with me, and you… you’re an acquaintance. You only know me… on the court. Wow… who am I to you?”

Oikawa was stunned. There was just too much information in what Hinata had just said to even start thinking about the response to such a complicated question.

“I-I don’t know!” Oikawa said.

“Oh, c’mon, you’re captain of your team. That pretty much requires you to have your eyes on everything. Your teammates. Your rivals. I was your rival at some point, there must be an impression of me somewhere in there,”-he pointed at Oikawa’s forehead-“I want to know it.”

“Well… to be honest, you were kind of pain in the ass. No. You were definitely a pain. I mean, the first time I saw you, I thought it was a joke. You were so tiny… so weak. I actually believed that Karasuno was so desperate for new members that somehow they let someone like you in. It never even crossed my mind that you could be a libero in training because you looked so out of place. But then I saw that fucking quick and I hated you… both of you. It took you seconds to disarm me. Seconds! And I suddenly had to think of a way to stop you. I mean you fucking darted and then you flew. You have no idea what that looks like to people. It’s shocking and the worst part is that that initial shock never fades away. So… I guess my impression of you was a fucking annoying surprise. Thought you were also the ultimate reminder…”

“Of what?”

“My… my own limits. Kageyama… he… he targeted his toss at the exact spot you were going to spike, didn’t he? Ugh… what am I asking? Of course he did! You had your fucking eyes closed, damn it. I… I could never do that, you know?”

“You can do things Kageyama can’t.”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.”

“Hmmm… I guess I can communicate with my teammates better. But that means I get to know them better and I don’t like that. Getting to know people only makes them boring… and disappointing.”

“Huh, I thought you were gonna mention those killer serves… oh, well, I guess you have one less annoyance in your life with me out of the team.”

“Yeah, I guess… Hinata?”

“Oikawa-sama?”

“No, stop that.”

“What?”

“The sama thing… I don’t like it.”

“As you wish, Grand King.”

“No, that’s not better.”

“What should I call you then?”

“Just… Tooru, I don’t know.”

“Ah, ok. You know, the other day I—“

“Wait!”

“Huh?”

“I was wondering if… well, if you wouldn’t mind telling me now why did you quit?”

“Oh, that. Are you sure? It’s not that big of a deal. You’re most likely to end up disappointed.”

“I’m just curious.”

Hinata lit another cigarette. He took a couple of hits as he thought of the best way to sum it up. A way that would not require so much detail, just enough to not leave any questions. He took another couple of hits and during the last one, he decided to just wing it. The whole thing only ever seemed to make sense to him anyway.

“Ok, basically, Karasuno went into this summer training camp in Tokyo with the teams from there. Have you ever met them? They’re so hot! This dude, he was a setter, his name was Akaashi Keiji… prettiest guy I’ve ever seen, hands down. I mean, wow, please look him up on facebook. You won’t believe it. Anyway… while I was there I realized that without Kageyama I was pretty much useless. That frustrated me so much. Especially because everyone started trying out new things and I was still spiking with my eyes closed. So I… I tried spiking with my eyes open and it was a total failure. I also started acting out, trying to spike balls that weren’t for me and such. But… now you’re not gonna believe what I’m about to tell you, which is fine cuz it’s pretty hard to swallow. So please suspend your disbelief for a moment and know that I’m being a hundred percent honest here, ok?”

“Oh, c’mon, what happened? Did you wake up one day and suddenly you were the perfect player?” 

“Tooru-kun, what the fuck? If you already knew then why are you making me tell you everything?”

“What?!”

“Wait, was that you being ironic? Cuz your voice is too phony for that kind of stuff. You should not even try it.”

“That was… mean. But anyway, uhm… Hinata, did you actually wake up one day being a perfect player?”

“Yeah.”

“You… you were right. I don’t believe you.”

“I know. I only believe it myself because… well, it happened to me.”

“But, I mean, what happened? What do you mean by perfect?”

“I mean… I never actually said perfect. You could call it that way I guess. It was surreal anyway…”

“Ok, but what… what happened? How was it surreal?”

“Hmmm… it was kind of like this: I woke up that day, did my morning exercises, went into whatever gym it was that we were playing and on the first toss Kageyama set for me, I… sort of spiked it with my mind. I mean I used my hand of course, but I thought of the exact spot where I wanted it to land and when I saw the other team’s libero going for it, I thought “If only the ball’s trajectory curved a little to the left” and… well, it curved to the left. We scored our first point that day. Nishinoya hugged me from behind. It was great! Now… that could’ve been just a coincidence…”

“It was…”

“But… it wasn’t. Because I tested it out throughout that game. The ball just went to wherever I thought it should go. Then again they could’ve been all coincidences but… that didn’t feel right. Also, when I shared the idea that I could mind-control the ball with the team… well, first they laughed at me, of course. But I kept insisting so they decided to test it out just to shut me up. Kageyama set for me. Nishinoya was receiving and you know he’s a really good libero…”

“He is amazing…”

“Well, he couldn’t get a single one. The ball could be centimeters away from his hands and it would just go the other way. So they kind of started believing me but not completely. Some thought it was more probable that Kageyama’s abilities were just that good… so they got Sugawara to set for me.”

“And?”

“Same thing. None of my spikes were received. Nishinoya got so frustrated that he asked Nekoma’s libero to help him but it didn’t matter… they still couldn’t receive them. By the end of the day, I was facing four different liberos and I had been tossed by every setter around. The crowd that formed was so big and none them had any choice but to believe in me.”

“Hinata… are you just making all of this up?”

“No, damn it… I have a bunch of vids from that day on my laptop if you wanna see it for yourself.”

“Could I?”  
“Yeah… give me a minute.”

What Oikawa saw was a montage of different videos from different angles and varying quality. The one thing they all had in common was that unnerving movement of the ball just a second before reaching the libero’s hands. He felt exactly as he did whenever he watched apparently real videos of ghosts or UFO’s and, just like he did with those videos, he replayed it multiple times. During his sixth rewatch, he glanced at Hinata, nervously biting the nail of his thumb, with a lit cigarette between his middle and index finger, staring blankly into space. Oikawa was out of words. Common sense told him there was a chance of it all being fake, a brilliant job of edition. Still, there was no logical reason behind it. Why would they waste so much time doing this? He also couldn’t doubt that Hinata had in fact left the team, at least not after how Sugawara talked about him that night in the Tatami Room. Oikawa found himself with no option but to believe, even if doing so meant that what he was watching was real. He felt scared about Hinata’s supernatural ability but also deeply relieved that he had quit. Though now he was even more interested in why he had done such thing. Such ability was nothing but a miraculous gift, so why would someone renounce to it?

“I don’t get it,” said Oikawa, passing the laptop to Hinata. “Why?”

“Why did I quit if I could do such thing?”

“Exactly. The only reason I can think of is that such ability puts you miles ahead of anyone, so it wouldn’t actually feel like winning…”

“Uff, that’s such an honorable reason. Let’s just say it’s that.”

“It isn’t?”

“Nope.”

“Then why?!”  
“Uhhh… I rather not say it now.”

“No, you can’t leave me like this! I mean… it makes no sense! Why would someone waste such a thing?!”

“Ugh, you sound just like them…”

“Like whom?”

“Everyone at Karasuno.”

“Can you blame them though? I mean I would hate you if you dare to leave my team after this!”

“Please chill, Tooru-kun. Of all people, you should be glad that I’ve quit.”

Oikawa’s arm jerked almost as a reflex. He had every intention to slap Hinata. It was one thing being aware of it himself and another to have someone else pointing it out to him. With a major effort, he repressed his impulse. After all, Hinata wasn’t to blame about his inferiority complex.

“Wow, were you about to punch me? That would’ve been so dramatic! Why didn’t you?”

“Would you have told me if I had?”

“Well, it would have shown me how serious you’re about this,”-he placed the almost finished cigarette in his mouth-“So maybe…”

The second Hinata said that, Oikawa stood up and slapped him so hard he spat out his cigarette. Oikawa started trembling slightly when he realized that the whole café had turned to look at them once again. He sat down, ashamed at what he had just done. He was about to say how sorry he felt when Hinata started laughing. This wasn’t the first time he had provoked such reaction with his words. In fact, he thought Oikawa had been gentle compared to others like Sugawara. Even the burning sensation on his cheek wasn’t all that unpleasant. 

“I’ll tell you, ok?” said Hinata with a hand on his cheek.

“I’m… I’m sorry I did that. It was uncalled for.”

“Nah, I asked for it. To be honest, I was just playing with you. I had every intention of telling you since I kind of have a favor to ask you.”

“A favor?”

“Yeah… but let me explain why I quit first…”

“Ok…”

“Now I don’t expect you to empathize with me but just… don’t dismiss what I’m about to tell you, ok?”- Oikawa nodded-“Ok… uhm… ok, I know that what I can do is amazing. That someone like me should be nothing but grateful about it… and I was! Believe me, I was. After being discouraged about playing volleyball by almost everyone I’ve know because of my height, to have such thing happen to me… well, it was like a dream come true. I mean I was finally a player people would kill to have in their team. That montage you saw… I asked everyone that recorded that day to pass me the vids. I did it with the intention of posting it online. Don’t you think that… that the national team would have consider me if they had seen it?”

“They… they definitely would.”

“Yeah… but I never posted it because… well, because I didn’t want to anymore. I mean being able to do that changed everything. Dreams became absolute possibilities. There were so many ways to go now when before there was just one and… I just didn’t know which one to choose. What if the one I had chosen turned out to be the wrong one in the end? That thought terrified me. It was all very overwhelming… so I figured that if it was such a torture to think about it… why not just get rid of it all? Quit the team and find a new obsession, a new path.”

“But… what?”

“Exactly… but what? I was back to the same dilemma. There were many ways I could go now. Even more. I could join a new club, concentrate on my studies, get on a good college. It was all possible. But you know what wasn’t possible for me? Give my boyfriend a boner. No matter what I tried, I just couldn’t. I figured that, even if Kageyama never said it, one of the reasons he couldn’t get it up had to do with me… with my body! I mean… it’s not desirable at all. It’s so gangly, so tiny… not what you look for in a man. So that’s my new obsession now. See how fuckable I can be, to how many people and, once again, my biggest limitation is my body.”

“Hinata… that doesn’t make any sense. It’s honestly very fucking stupid.”

“Huh… you know, to some degree… I’m aware of it, but fuck it! What happened to me doesn’t make any sense either so I guess I’m allowed to not make sense anymore!”

“Uhhh… I guess?”

“Yeah… I told you were going to be disappointed with all of this. Could I ask you that favor now?”

“Hmm… depends on what it is.”

“It’s nothing really… well, first tell me, are you 18?”


	3. Gone Girl myself

“Yeah? Why?” Oikawa asked, slightly uncomfortable, not really looking forward to the answer.

“I… hmmm… would it be possible for you to open a bank account? So that people can wire money to it.”

The need to just get up and leave became stronger than ever with that. No matter how wild Oikawa’s imagination ran, it could never catch up with Hinata, who seemed to be playing different roles at fluctuating times: depressed high school kid, sex-crazed kitten, cynical asshole. They all seemed to work in a perfect trap to get Oikawa’s attention, bending his will to act reasonably, eventually getting him to do as he pleased. This angered Oikawa, especially because how aware he was of the effectiveness of this charm on him. He would not leave, he couldn’t. Even if leaving would mean victory for him, he was all too interested in the car-crash happening right before his eyes. Besides, the favor introduced the possibility of turning the tables around. A request like that opened the chance to ask something in return without sounding too greedy. What would it be? He didn’t know yet. He only knew that he had to play it cool for a while. If the role of subtly dominating the other was now on him, he needed to be patient, to carefully observe his prey before shooting it down.

“I guess I could look into it. Never done such thing to be honest.”

“Really? I would be so grateful, like you have no idea!”

“I mean… I said I would look into it, I don’t even know if I would be able to do it.”

“Still… it’s a lot that you would even consider it.”

“What do you need it for, anyway?”

“Uhm… do you really wanna know?”

“Yeah… it’s most likely gonna end up being under my name so I think I actually need to know.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“It’s not anything… illegal, right?”

“No! No! Not at all… at least I don’t think it is. Depends on how you look at it to be honest.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well… as a part of my new life, I’ve been doing some live cam sessions for anonymous people online.”

“You what?!”

“Yeah, yeah. I opened this tumblr, which is basically a porn blog, and every now and then I post some nudes along with the occasional jerk-off video. People seemed to like them and I got a bunch of asks wondering if I would be willing to do a live stream or something… so I was like ‘Yeah, why not?’ and now every Friday night I go online and do whatever they tell me to do… within boundaries of course.”

“That’s… not ok! And I’m not sure if it’s totally legal… I mean you’re, what? 15?!”

“16! And it’s not like I’m being forced to do it… I just thought… since some of ‘em have been asking for private sessions, maybe I could… get some money from it! You know, charge them for every 30 minutes or something… haven’t figured out my price yet.”

“So by asking me to open a bank account you’re basically asking me to help you store the profits of your online child pornography business… right?”

“What?! Tooru-kun, don’t be so morbid!”

“It’s basically what it is!”

“No! Allegedly I’m 21, that’s super legal everywhere!”

“Except you’re not and, c’mon, how do you expect people to believe that? You have such a baby-face.”

“I don’t know, the same way people consume shota and make themselves believe it’s not kiddy porn they’re looking at.”

Oikawa went silent. He considered debating how that still didn’t make anything right but he was not ready to be such a hypocrite. After all, technically, if he so much as touched Hinata’s penis, he would be committing a crime. But he knew things weren’t that black and white, no, they were shades of gray. Varying shades that changed according to the circumstances. He thought about how different things would be looked upon with the slightest change in this particular scene. Certainly if he were to be in college, if he was the one doing all the sex talk, even if Hinata was a girl, things would feel so much different. But that wasn’t the case. Still, did that make everything alright? Not really but, at the end of the day, did any of that matter to him? At this point in his life and with this particular guy: no, not at all.

“Whatever… I’m not your mom, if you wanna expose yourself like that, do it. But I’m not helping you with it.”

“Aww, c’mon! But you were already on board!”

“And now I’m not, find someone else to do it. Where did you even get the idea of posting nudes online? Don’t you think you’re gonna regret that later?”

“Maybe. But right now I don’t care, really. I also have this instagram where I post selfies and… well, before they weren’t getting much attention, so I asked Yachi how-“

“Who?” 

“Yachi? Karasuno’s second manager? You haven’t met her?”

“I don’t think so? I’ve only met… Kiyoko? Was that her name?”

“Yeah! She’s the manager right now but she’s a third year so Yachi is going to be her replacement… hold on, let me show you a picture.”

Hinata stood up, reached into his right pocket and pulled out his phone. If his pants were hanging mostly from the left side before, they were now equally low. So much so that three things became clearly noticeable: 1) His ass was totally exposed. 2) The only thing that kept his pants in place was his penis. 3) He was shockingly big for someone his height. All of that would’ve taken hold of Oikawa’s mind, but what Hinata showed him proved to be far more arresting. He glanced at it and couldn’t help but snatch the phone, bringing it just inches away from his face. It was a mirror pic taken in a bathroom. Hinata, wearing a dark purple shirt, unbuttoned at the top, and black skinny jeans had the phone in his right hand. His eyes were halfway closed, his head slightly tilted to the back and there was a hint of a smile on his face. With his left arm, he was tightly hugging Yachi, who was wearing a pink summer dress with white details and had her arms around his torso. She was resting her head on his shoulder and her eyes were slightly closed too. Both of them were staring at the phone. They looked prideful; a couple in love, claiming each other as their own.

“Tooru-kun, your face was priceless! I wish you could’ve seen it!” said Hinata between laughs.

“Is she… your-“

“No, no, not at all!”-he laughed even harder-“But it totally looks like it, right? She’s like my best friend. It was at a party the team made in Kageyama’s house and Suga got me so drunk I could barely move. At some point I found myself peeing in the bathroom and, for some reason, I went full toddler and just dropped my pants and boxers down to my ankles, which was a mistake because I finished and barely got to pull my boxers up to my knees when Yachi stormed in, yelling ‘Awaaaay!’ and basically pushed me, making me trip. She just sat on the toilet, peeing like there was no tomorrow, while laughing hysterically and apologizing to me, who was too drunk to give a fuck and pretty much just laid there on the floor, dick out and all, laughing myself to death. It was beautiful! And then she was done. She helped me get on my feet and pulled my pants up, cuz apparently I couldn’t even manage to do it myself, when she said ‘Duuude, let’s take a straight photo!’ I was like ‘Yeaaaah, let’s do it!’ even though I had no idea what she meant. So what you’re looking at it’s all her doing, she told me how to stand, where to put my arms, how wide my eyes needed to be open. I love it because she wants to be a photographer and she says she doesn’t want to just capture moments, but like also tell good lies? I think that’s the words she used and, I don’t know, to me, that photo is a pretty good lie.”

“Yeah… I mean it completely fooled me.”

“Oh, I know! Trust me, I really reaaally wish you could’ve seen your face!”

“Shut up!”-he chuckled-“So… you guys have parties?”

“Wow… the way you asked that just broke my heart! What is it, Tooru-kun? Is Seijoh that bad? Tell me!”

“What? No! I mean… well… I guess we’re not that close outside of school… we do go out and celebrate whenever we win an important match but it’s mainly just a meal… or something like that.”

“Awww, I’m so sorry! I wish I could-“

“No! No! Don’t get me wrong… I like it that way. Honestly I don’t think I could stand being closer than that.”

“That’s funny… I always thought you were a people person.”

“You’re not the only one… though really, if I have to deal with a group bigger than three persons for more than a couple of hours, I would totally need to not leave home the next day.”

“Really? But then… why is your instagram filled with pictures of you at parties and such?”

“Oh, that. I only ever go to parties for like… an hour. Then I leave.”

“But why? Isn’t that too much effort for a potential shut-in like you?”

“That’s somewhat of a misunderstanding! I don’t seek loneliness… I just need it sometimes but… I don’t want people to think I should be left alone! That’s why I upload those pictures… they make me look like an outgoing guy… approachable… maybe even nice, I don’t know. It sort of works, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, I guess it does.” 

There was brief silence between them. A silence that was not uncomfortable but needed. Oikawa was now aware that he was starting to lower his guard almost completely. He figured that there was no ulterior motive in Hinata’s words. That if he appeared to be playing multiple roles was only because he wasn’t playing one at all. He was just being himself, unfiltered, devoid of any shame. Whatever he said wasn’t meant to be taken as a carefully worded sign of how he wanted to be perceived. He was just saying those things because he could.   
Oikawa started going through Hinata’s photos. He saw him blowing smoke into Nishinoya’s mouth; getting kissed on the cheek by Kiyoko; resting his head on Kageyama’s shoulder; trying to take away Tsukishima’s glasses. He thought that those pictures were enough prove of how close Karasuno was and that, even if Hinata hadn’t said it yet, leaving that team must’ve been really fucking hard. 

“Still, Tooru-kun, there’s no harm in being left alone for good.”- said Hinata, who didn’t seem to care about Oikawa still holding on to his phone- “Once you start thinking about it, you end up realizing how much of a burden people can be. When I left the team and broke up with Kageyama, I felt relieved. I mean of course I immediately felt their absence and I would be lying if I said my first reaction to it wasn’t a desperate need to bring it all back. But I didn’t act on it and, eventually, it passed. I suddenly found myself the loneliest I’d ever been in my life and… it was fine. That’s when the feeling of relief seized me. It became so clear that now I could do anything without worrying about hurting any of them.”

“But… you had to hurt them pretty bad to get there, you know?”

“Yes… but why did all of that matter anymore? If I have no intention to reconnect with them, why shouldn’t they just keep-on hating me?”

“Don’t you think that’s beyond selfish?”

“I’m not sure if it’s selfish or… just painfully honest.”

“It’s both. The fact that you don’t care doesn’t make it right. It’s just your cowardly way of insuring you won’t get hurt in the future.”

“That’s fine with me. But I didn’t want to justify myself. I know that what I’ve done is bad… nevertheless I felt good in the end. My point was that there’s a freedom in not caring, in getting rid of people in your life. You can’t deny that. I mean… look at what you do! You don’t go to those parties because you want to be perceived a certain way. You go to them because you’ve been led to believe that being perceived that way would guarantee you company. But, in the end, do any of the people you know actually talk to you because they believe you’re a social person? Do you even want them to? I mean… you don’t even want the company of your team.”

“True… I don’t want it as much as other people do. But… I won’t renounce the possibility of it. For the past couple of years, I’ve been living alone. I quite like it, you know? I can come home and stop pretending. I don’t have to smile; I don’t have to think about what to say. No one expects anything from me because no one is there. Still, there comes a time when I remind myself it wasn’t always like that. That I used to live there with my whole family. Then my mother died, my sister graduated from college and got a job abroad, my brother married and became a stay-home dad, and finally my dad got promoted and had to move to Tokyo. A string of events that some nights just serve as proof that life happened to them but not to me. Suddenly I fear that I may become too comfortable in the loneliness within those walls and that I might eventually be forgotten. So if I have to force myself into people’s lives with my mere presence, I’ll do it. Because it’s possible that one day I’ll wake up, disgusted by that loneliness, and I’ll want the company of everyone willing to give it.”

Oikawa bit his lip. He had talked too much. But he didn’t feel so bad about it. There was some comfort in knowing that, in the end, Hinata had talked even more and that this conversation was too weird to even try telling other people about it. Besides, there was a sense of intimacy in all of it. An intimacy that felt more appropriate for two in the morning, after a couple of drinks, and with the confidence that comes after knowing each other for years. Still, he didn’t want to share that much anymore. Not today at least.   
Just as Oikawa began getting worried with how long Hinata was taking to say something back, he felt a little hand stroking his. It had been such a gentle touch, almost cautious, but so caring. It made him feel completely at ease. He thought about how much that touch felt like a sign of friendship. Was that what they were now? Friends? So far they had shared, they had argued, they had laughed and Oikawa couldn’t think of any place he would rather be now. What else could they be, if not friends? “Don’t let me talk anymore, change the subject back to you, be my friend and, please, let us meet again”, he thought. 

“I know what you mean, Tooru-kun. It’s exactly what I’m trying to do.” – said Hinata with the warmest smile Oikawa had seen on him that day.

“Aren’t you trying to just have sex with anyone that wants to fuck you?”

“I mean, yeah… but that’s just my silly obsession right now. My ultimate goal is to get rid of all possibilities. Gone Girl myself and-“

“What?”

“Gone Girl myself.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Gone Girl… it’s a movie, you’ve never seen it?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“It’s pretty fun… you should watch it.”

“But what happens? Why do you-“

“I don’t wanna spoil it… basically, what I mean, is that I wanna kill Hinata Shouyou. Get rid of that persona, all of his relationships with people and, most importantly, all of what’s possible for him. But not to restart my life as someone else though… I don’t wanna be anybody anymore.”

“And what’s your plan?”

“It’s pretty simple. I’ll fake my own death. Just walk out of the house one day, leave a suicide note somewhere in my room. Then I’ll hide and fuck anyone willing to give me shelter while the whole chaos at home unfolds. I mean my mom is definitely calling the police when she sees the note so, yeah, I’ll just hide while they look for my body. Maybe I’ll say that I went to do it at Aoikigahara just to mislead them. Eventually the search team will give up and my family will have to bury an empty coffin. Shoommp! Hinata Shouyou is officially six feet under and I get to become something!”

“Some…thing?”

“Yeap… like I said, I don’t wanna become someone else. I mean… being someone is so tiring. Haven’t you ever thought about how freeing it would be to not even care about time anymore? Because I like to think that once you get rid of your humanity, sooner or later, time won’t even apply to you. I mean why would it? Where the fuck would you need to be? You’re nobody!”

“But then what would you be?”

A small blush appeared in Hinata’s cheeks. It was gone almost instantly but it was enough to fully awaken Oikawa’s curiosity. What could make someone that talked about killing himself with such shameless excitement blush? 

“I… well… I have a couple of dreams… like best case scenarios.” – said Hinata and started biting the nail of his thumb.

“May I know them?”

“That’s polite… but yeah… one of them is getting sold in the black market as a sextoy. Limbs chopped off and all. Then… well, hopefully I’ll be sold to some rich perv that won’t even give me a name and, if he does, it would have to be something like Boyhole number four. The other one is becoming a full time puppy to anyone who’s into that.”

“Ok… what?”

“You heard me! It’s all about dehumanizing myself… I can’t do it all alone… I need people to also threat me like some thing… or like an animal.”

“I-I don’t know what to say… that’s awful… I’m actually glad it all sounds so impossible.”

“Ok, Tooru-kun, I don’t think you’ve fully processed everything I’ve said… I know I’ve said lots of stuff but, c’mon, you’re talking to someone that can mind-control volleyballs… I mean, surely your conception of what’s possible must’ve changed a little… right?”

Upon hearing that, Oikawa realized something: Hinata was talking from experience. The fact that he could control the ball with his mind gave him a full sense of certainty. One that everyone trains their life away just to get a taste of it. Every possibility that he might not score in a game was completely gone. He just wanted to apply that feeling to his whole existence.   
A wave of questions suddenly invaded Oikawa’s mind and a cold shiver traveled through his entire body. Could Hinata still be called human? After all, hadn’t he felt just the same when watching Hinata’s montage as he did when watching UFOs or ghosts videos? Wasn’t the reason behind that feeling the idea that he was watching something not from this world? Something that couldn’t be called normal… or even human? He didn’t dare to answer any of them.   
After few minutes of utter silence, Hinata said something that made Oikawa wish he had never sat down at that table.

“So, Tooru-kun, now that you know my plans and dreams… and that I know you live alone… I have a proposal to make you.”


	4. Let me give you something!

“No!” said Oikawa immediately.

“What?! But you don’t even know what it is!”

“You’re gonna ask me to help make your dreams come true.”

“No, no, no, no, no!”

“Then what is it?”

“Well… I was wondering if I could stay with you for a while. Just for a couple of weeks! In exchange, uhm, I would let you do anything you want with me. Or something else but, I don’t know, you did say I was fuckable…”

If such proposal had been made two years earlier, when Oikawa had barely begun to live alone, he would’ve accepted without a second thought. But now the idea of someone invading his space for so long seemed dreadful. Still, he couldn’t deny that the offer Hinata had made could be enough for him to overlook that. Having someone completely at his disposal without the need of brute force was one of his biggest fantasies. There was also the fact that, strangely enough, Oikawa had no neighbors, which made him think of something that almost made him tremble in anticipation: no one would hear them. “Damn it, I hate being like this,” he thought, knowing that he would definitely accept. 

“How long would you be staying again?” asked Oikawa to not appear too sold on the idea.

“Just for a couple of weeks. Until the nineteenth! Promise!”

“Why that day in particular?”

“Oh, because there’s gonna be a party that day. It’s in Tokyo, to celebrate this guy called Bokuto. I met him at the training cap I told you about. You can go too if you want!”

“I’ll… I’ll think about it.”

“Really?!”

“The party I mean. I still don’t get why that day or why you wanna stay with me.”

“Ah, right. Uhm… well, the thing is… since I dropped out of high school-“

“You dropped out of high school?!”

“Wow… you didn’t sound as shocked when I said I wanted to become a sextoy.”

“That’s just an edgy dream! You actually did that?”

“Well, yeah… I mean I didn’t see the point of going anymore. None of my future plans involve me getting into college or even getting a job that would require an education.”

“Seriously?! How stupid can you get?!”

“I’m not stupid! It took a lot of work to get me out of there… I had to intercept every letter from school, learn how to forge my mom’s signature and now I’m stuck almost everyday in this part of town cuz, of course, I haven’t told my mom about it and I don’t wanna run into her. I mean, she still believes I’m the old me! That…”-his voice broke and tears formed in his eyes-“That I’m ok… and I don’t want… I don’t want her to think otherwise… so now I come everyday to this fucking place during school hours… and I don’t have much money… I can barely afford this shit!”

He gestured at the half finished cupcake and the two empty mugs. The tears finally rolled down. He covered his eyes with two fists but couldn’t help the sobbing. Oikawa panicked. He had caused this and the way Hinata looked so vulnerable, almost like a child, triggered the memory of accidentally hitting Iwaizumi in the face with a spike as kids, making him cry like that. And just as that time, he felt the need to immediately comfort him and ask for forgiveness but he couldn’t. Instead, he stared at the crying boy feeling shocked and with a wide-eyed expression of disbelief.  
After almost a minute, he regained enough composure to try saying something.

“S-sorry… I’m sorry! Hinata, no, I’m so sorry! Please, don’t cry! You can stay with me! It’s fine, really! I’m sorry!” said Oikawa, the despair was clear in his voice.

“No, no,” said Hinata, rubbing his eyes and sniffing. “It’s not you, it’s… it’s my life.” He wiped the tears from his cheeks, took a deep breath and gave an ashamed smile to Oikawa, who responded with an uncomfortable hint of one. “Sorry… most of the time I’m fine and convinced that I have everything under control… but sometimes I feel bad about it… what I’ve down and where I’ve ended. So don’t worry, it’s not your fault!”

“Still… I shouldn’t be criticizing you… I mean you must have had your reasons and… well it’s not like I’m someone that you owe an explanation to.”

“What do you mean?”

“I… well, I’m… I’m just an acquaintance at most… or so you said.” 

“Oh! No! No, no, I mean… yeah, you were just an acquaintance before but now… I don’t know, I mean you’ve been listening to me talk about my existential crisis for like an hour or more… not only that but you’ve also been asking me all these questions and, well, I took that as a sign that you’re interested… that you care! So, uhm, I feel like… like we’re friends now, right?”

Even now, after knowing how twisted he was, Oikawa felt glad to have a confirmation of their friendship. Besides, he thought that he was in no place to judge him since he also had his fair share of fucked up fantasies and, after all, the only difference between him and Hinata was their willingness to talk about them so openly.

“Of course we’re friends,” said Oikawa and smiled at how good it felt to say that. “And you can totally come live with me, you know?”

“I was waiting for you to bring that up again.”

With that, he got up from his chair and walked to Oikawa, who looked at him confused until Hinata spread his arms wide open and let himself slowly fall forward. This startled Oikawa but he was quick to react and caught the boy. The impact this produced made the chair wobble and Oikawa yelped at the sensation that they were going to fall. Luckily they didn’t and Hinata proceeded to tightly hug Oikawa as he whispered into his ear:

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.”

Oikawa, with Hinata’s phone still in his hand, had his arms around him but he wasn’t actually hugging him. At 18, he had slept with four different guys. He could list them in a heartbeat. Iwaizumi Hajime, Nishinoya Yuu, Sugawara Koushi… Or maybe two: Kageyama Tobio. Still, he didn’t know how to hug a boy. It was different with girls, who got as many tight hugs, warm hugs, loving hugs as they demanded, but boys only seemed to get awkward hugs, shy hugs, fleeting hugs. Maybe it had to do with the scarce amount of men hugging other men he had seen on the screen, which fed an internalized homophobia that kept repeating the same message each time a boy came to him for a hug. A message that said: this is wrong. Strangely enough this warning didn’t resonated with hand holding, or any touch that was sexual in nature, and perhaps that’s why he felt a little hope every time he saw a guy spreading his arms in front of him. Hope that that would be the hug in which he would feel fine and he would dare to press the other boy’s body against his, rub his back, even run his fingers trough the other’s hair. He liked to think that no one had hugged him long enough for him to overcome such feelings of wrongness. Though the reality, one he had suspected many times before but couldn’t bring himself to accept, was that no boy had ever wanted to be hugged like that by him.  
But then there was Hinata. He had learned to treasure hugs. They had been the only form in which he could get close to Kageyama without him getting all tensed. Once they hugged, they would remain static. No one dared to move an arm but their bodies were hardly pressed against each other. The first time he felt that closeness, Hinata had loved it so much that he ended up asking for at least four long lasting hugs a day and, eventually, became fascinated with Kageyama’s body. It was bigger than his in every way and, as he hugged him while he laid his head on that wide chest, Hinata felt that nothing could go wrong. That life was just an inconvenience that had to be dealt with once somebody pulled away. When he hugged Oikawa, he recognized that build, only bigger and, somehow, warmer. His mind went blank and, even if he hadn’t had the intention to, he kept on holding him.  
There was a swift motion of pulling away from Oikawa, but Hinata wouldn’t let go. An opportunity presented itself to Oikawa. Not only had a boy hugged him for more than a few seconds, but it also had been made pretty clear that this particular boy really wanted to hug him. In a shy way, he used his free hand to rub Hinata’s back. He had expected a tender body, one that would allow feeling the ribs at the softest touch, and fragile to some degree (almost like Nishinoya’s). Instead, he felt firm muscles that made him want to squeeze them tightly. He controlled that impulse but his movements changed. He was no longer rubbing shyly. His hand traveled smoothly across Hinata’s upper back, then down the curve of his spine, and it did so with such fascination and delicacy that it seemed as if he was sculpting him. Oikawa would’ve continued all the way down but stopped when he felt the waistband of Hinata’s boxers underneath his shirt. Without lifting his hand, he searched for that little bump where the binding had been made. Once he found it, he passed his index finger over it three times and continued his path downwards, finally reaching the butt. It was just as he thought it would be, soft and small enough that he could perfectly fit a cheek in his hand. Hinata, whose heart started palpitating the moment Oikawa’s hand outlined his spine, felt his butt checks tightening immediately. He gasped and broke the hug. They stared at each other with wide eyes. 

“I…”- Oikawa didn’t know what to say, mainly because he had just realized he hadn’t said anything until now. In his mind, he had just tainted a really sweet moment. His hands started trembling once again, so he put the cell phone down on the table.

“Tooru-kun… that was… wow. I had never been touched like that!” said Hinata as he pulled up his pants.

“Huh?”

“You were blatantly groping me in plain daylight!”- he walked back to his chair and sat down.

“I’m sorry… that was wrong.”

“Huh? Why?”

“What? I… you were just thanking me and I… did that.”

“So? It’s not like I mind. I mean… I was just surprised cuz I’d never felt hands like yours touching me like that, but I literally offered you to do whatever you want with me if you agreed to let me stay at your place and you did so, by all means, help yourself!”

Hinata chuckled and Oikawa smiled. His hands had stop trembling. Still, he knew he would never be as ok with their arrangement as Hinata. Not because he considered it unfair, but because whenever he stared at him for too long, he would feel a certain sadness that completely overcame any desire he had for his body. Whatever the root of this sadness was, he didn’t know it yet.

“Also,” said Hinata, leaning forward. “I was actually gonna offer you a blowjob to seal the deal cuz, to be honest, I don’t feel like a hug is enough for you to not back down later. Not because I think you’re like… I don’t know… a sex addict or something… but like… it’s a pretty big deal! So maybe if you got preview of what you’re gonna get, you’ll feel more sold on the idea! Does that make sense?”

“I think so? But… it’s ok, I don’t want anything, I feel bad enough already.”

“No! Seriously, Tooru-kun, there’s nothing to feel bad about. I mean… I’m most likely gonna jerk off to this when I get home, which will probably make me feel more in debt with you so, please, let me give you a blowjob!”

“No, I mean, it’s enough that you’re not freaking out right now… trust me.”

“Tooru-kun, I go online and please guys for free. I’m not a stranger to male lust, I just really haven’t experienced it that much in real life! But I seriously want to, you know? And I’m actually gonna get something from you so, no, it’s not nearly enough that I’m not freaking out, you have got to let me give you a blowjob!”

“Hinata, I don’t even like blowjobs that much!”

“Then a handjob!”

“No!”

“Ok, I’m literally not accepting your part of the deal unless you allow me to give you something right now!”

For a brief moment, Oikawa considered backing down on their deal. But now the mere thought of having Hinata just for himself and in his very own house filled him with excitement. Still, he knew that any kind of sexual activity in public made him deeply uncomfortable. There was no way he could overcome that, not even for Hinata.  
Though there was something he could ask for and, even if it meant revealing more of himself, he thought Hinata would, most likely, be up for it. Besides, he was bound to find out really soon living in his house. Looking straight at the table, Oikawa asked:

“Uhm… how about… giving me… your underwear?”

“My underwear?”-asked Hinata and the unsurprised tone in which he did relaxed Oikawa enough to look at him-“You mean like… the one I’m wearing?”

“Yes.”

“Oh… I can’t do that.”

“What? Why?”

“I… I mean… look at me. I’m gross! You haven’t said anything because maybe you’re nice that way but like I haven’t showered since… Sunday? Yeah and… well I only change boxers when I shower so… yeah, these ones are dirty. Sorry.”

“I… I don’t mind.”

“No, no, seriously… I ride my bike here and I sweat all over… I smell so bad… no, it’s too disgusting! Pick something else!”

“But… I don’t really want anything else.”

“Are you serious?!”

“Yes.”

“Hmm… oooooh, I see! That’s how it is!”

“What?”

“Is this like your fetish or something?”

“Uhm… kinda?”

“I see… I got kind of slow there for a second but, yeah, it all makes sense now!”

“What makes sense?”

“Well… you asking for my boxers and the way you were staring whenever I got up.”

“You noticed that?!” 

“Yeaaah… you should practice on your discretion.”

“I’m so sorry, I…”

“Oh, Tooru-kun, stop apologizing for everything! It’s more common than you think, I mean underwear stuff it’s like the third thing people online ask me about.”

“Really?”

“Yeah… they even have preferences for brands and styles… do you?”

“I… uhm… not really, no.”

“So what’s that like? You see some dude’s underwear and you get hard or what?”

“I’d rather answer that when we’re at my house, if you don’t mind.”

“Aww, ok!”

It was surprising to Oikawa how he wasn’t feeling nervous at all. He had only ever confessed his preference for underwear to Iwaizumi and, even then, he had had a really hard time doing so. The fact that he struggled getting hard if underwear wasn’t involved made him feel like something was not functioning right in him. Indeed, it was comforting to see Hinata being so accepting about it. 

“So… listen,” said Hinata. “I’m still not entirely comfortable with giving you my boxers… not because of what you might end up doing with them, that’s totally fine, but… because I know you and we’re gonna end up living together for two weeks and, again, they’re dirty… it’s embarrassing! I mean, if I had known that I was gonna run into you today I would’ve showered, put on my ‘fuck me now’ clothes and, yeah, I would’ve given you my boxers in a heartbeat but… wait, what time is it?!”

Hinata reached for his phone and looked at the time: 5:45 p.m. He didn’t know how long he had been talking to Oikawa, but he did know that it was late for him to be in that part of town. He stood up and said:

“It’s almost six! I gotta start heading back… uhm… are you sure you don’t want anything else?”

“Uhm… no, but if it’s such a big deal…”

“No! But… do you need to be somewhere else right now?” – he bent down and emerged with a backpack on his hands. He put the laptop inside and hanged the backpack on his right shoulder.

“No… are you really leaving?”

“I kind of need to… but come with me!”

“Where to?”

“Just come with me! It’s not gonna be a long way, I promise!”

With a lingering feeling of doubt, Oikawa got up and followed Hinata. They got out of the café, into the parking lot, where Hinata fetched his bike, and headed to the street.

“How long were we talking, anyway?” asked Hinata.

“Hmmm… what time is it?”

“Uhh… it was like 5:45 when I checked my phone.”

“Oh… hmmm… I think I got here around four?”

“Really?! So we talked for almost two hours?!”

“I think so?”

“Wow… it didn’t feel like it.”

“No… it didn’t.”- Oikawa smiled. 

They continued to walk in silence. Hinata kept turning his head around, as if he was looking for something. They crossed a street, passed two small businesses and reached the entrance of an alley with two garbage containers. Hinata stopped and looked around. There were no people passing by so he went inside the alley, leaned his bike on the wall, and gestured Oikawa to come along. Tooru wasn’t totally sure about what Hinata had in mind, but the boy was already ducking behind the containers, so there wasn’t much of a choice but to follow him. 

“Hinata?” asked Oikawa.

“Cover me,” said Hinata in a whisper. “I’m gonna take off my pants.”

“What?!”

“You want my boxers, right?”

“Are you serious? Couldn’t you have done this in the bathroom back there?”

“This is fine. Now look out for people coming in here.”

“Who the fuck would come in here?”

“These things are here for a reason.” – he signaled at the garbage containers.

There was no reply and Hinata stood up but remained hunched enough to still be hidden at firs sight. He started pulling down his pants. Oikawa ditched his task and stared down. Hinata’s legs were lean, strong and longer than he had ever expected. His thighs, half covered by his boxers, seemed to be silky smooth and Oikawa had to restrain the urge of sliding his hand up them. Hinata stepped out of his pants, carefully trying to not touch the street with his bare feet by immediately putting on his sandals. He looked up, catching Oikawa staring at him. He smiled, handed him his pants and whispered:

“You’re supposed to be looking straight ahead.”

“Ah… sorry.”

“I told you to stop apologizing.”- he fiddled with the waistband of his boxers.

“Oh, yeah, no, sorry…” 

Oikawa shut his mouth tightly. Hinata shook his head and began taking off his boxers. Since he entered high school, he had only dropped his underwear in front of three other people (he didn’t count the anonymous eyes online). That made Oikawa the fourth one and he was really looking forward to the undies coming off. He had expected to feel some kind of shock at the size of Hinata’s penis but, when he finally saw it, he felt scared. The tip hung just below the scrotum, something Oikawa had never seen (in real life) before, and it flapped around, smacking the thighs in almost audible thud, as Hinata stepped out of his boxers. Just by looking at it, Oikawa knew it was bigger, both in length and thickness, than his. But that wasn’t the only new sight for him since Hinata’s pubes, which appeared to be incredibly fluffy, were of a goldish color Oikawa had never seen and yet, the only thing he felt the need to comment on, was the abundance of them.

“Wow, Hinata. You’re hairy.”

“Oh, fuck me…” whispered Hinata as he bent down to grab his underwear.

“Huh?!”

“That’s like the only thing everyone tells me when they first see me naked... is it really that bad?”

“I mean it’s just… a lot.”

“I… I would trim them or something but… I don’t know how.”

“You just take a pair of scissors to it… it’s really not that big of a deal.”

“Uhh… I don’t know, what if I mess it up? It’s better if you teach me.”

“Now?”

“No! When I’m at your house… anyway… uhm, here.” He said, staring at the wall and handing the boxers to Oikawa.

“Oh, wow, thank you.”

“Put them away and… could you give me back my pants?”

“Ah, yeah, yeah, so-“

“Don’t say sorry!”

Oikawa laughed nervously and gave back the pants. When he looked around for his schoolbag to put the boxers away, he realized he had left it back at the café.

“Shit!” whispered Oikawa, stuffing the boxers in his pocket.

“What?” asked Hinata as put on his pants.

“I forgot my schoolbag.”

“Where?”

“Hopefully at the café.”

“Uhh… I would go and look for it with you but I really need to get going.”

“It’s fine…so, uhm, I guess this is good-bye, wait, no, I haven’t told you my address!”

“Oh… could you text it to me?”

“Yeah, but I don’t have your number.”

“I meant like… in facebook. I haven’t paid for my phone in a while.”

“Uhm… ok.”

Oikawa hated good-byes. Not because he had any problem parting ways with people (through the years, he had found that to be incredibly easy), but because he never actually knew how to properly say good-bye, turning every single one of his attempts into an awkward situation that linger through his mind long after it had happened. As they both made their way out of the alley, he started preparing his lines but Hinata turned to him and gave him one last long hug; a little something for the road. With arms around his torso, Oikawa forgot anything he was planning to say, opting instead for rubbing Hinata’s back and caressing his hair in a tender, caring way that the redhead had never experienced coming from man, but from a woman: his mother. The acknowledgement of this made Hinata break the hug sooner than he had hoped, but not before Oikawa could get a sense of the smell he strongly emanated. An acrid smell of bed-sweat and tiredness that Oikawa instantly recognized, for he had also smelt like that on occasions, mainly the ones Iwaizumi referred to as “Gone Weeks”, when Oikawa would shut himself inside his house, letting days go by without a shower or a change of clothes, and showing no intention of even stepping foot outside. Such weeks were common around Christmas time or the beginnings of March. Oikawa thought nothing of this at that moment, he just looked at Hinata, who was now smiling at him and, with a small wave of his hand, said:

“See you soon, Tooru-kun!”

“See you!” replied Oikawa, waving back more excitedly than he had intended to.

Hinata got on his bike and started riding away. Oikawa stared at him until the boy took a turn to the right, disappearing from his sight and leaving him with no choice but to turn back, all alone, to look for his schoolbag at the café.  
On his way there, Oikawa kept punishing himself by thinking of all the things he had and hadn’t done. More than anything, he lamented not offering Hinata to pay for an uber back to wherever he needed to be all of the sudden. He had his phone and the money for it. “At least I didn’t say anything about him drinking all of my frappe”, he thought.  
When he got to the café, he saw his schoolbag still hanging on the chair he had sat on. He took it and, noticing no one around seemed to care about it, he walked away, back to his house. He kept his mind busy trying to recreate his entire conversation with Hinata but, on every single attempt, he failed miserably. By the time he got home, his body was numb and his head was pounding.


	5. Hinata arrives at Oikawa's house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hinata's POV

I used to like facebook but not anymore. It’s weird because I have no idea when it stopped being fun, almost addictive, to go in there. I could spend hours just scrolling down my home page, watching funny vids my friends shared, replying messages and stalking people. I think that last one was my favorite thing to do. I mean, you can get a pretty good idea of how people visualize themselves just by going through their profile pictures. But now even seeing a notification on my phone, especially if it’s a message, irritates me so much that I’m really glad it’s not such a common thing these days. In fact, the only person that keeps talking to me as much as they did before I dropped out is Yachi and I’m perfectly ok with that, even though seeing that she has messaged me doesn’t make me excited. To be honest, I used to be so excited at any message but now I can’t remember the last time I felt that way. Well, I’m sort of lying about that. Because tonight, around eight, I saw a couple of messages that really made me excited: an awkward greeting and an address sent by Oikawa Tooru.

It’s half and hour till midnight and I just replied. I didn’t know I would care about something so much again. I mean, the only reason I didn’t reply right away was because I wanted Oikawa to know how grateful I felt. How do you sound grateful on text? It’s pretty hard. Besides, people already know you’re not really feeling what you text so I thought that maybe if I sent him some nudes he would feel compensated somehow but… he had already seen that and his reaction wasn’t really good. I didn’t need to be reminded how hairy I am again. There’s also the fact that I can already be found naked online so, in a way, it felt very impersonal. It was actually so frustrating that I avoided it as much as I could for a while. Though everything I did instead was just towards getting ready to go to his house. I took a shower (cuz I didn’t want him to think I’m one of those dudes who just don’t care about hygiene), I worked up the lie I would tell my mom (“There’s gonna be another training camp and the coach insists on us going!”), I looked up his address on google maps (it was a long way from home but relatively easy to find), I even packed all of my good clothes and, looking back on it, I’m glad I did all these things instead of replying right away cuz, when I opened my underwear drawer, I got two ideas that seemed really good at the time: 1) I should send him some underwear selfies! 2) I should pack all of my undies!!  
The second idea proved to be useful in the long run but the first took a while to get done. Or should I say a lot? I did get the idea around 9:30 but the thing was that I just didn’t know what he liked the best. Like my first idea were briefs, right? Cuz they make your legs look longer and outline your package nicely but then I thought they could be a little bit too on the nose. Though boxers weren’t any easier to work with. There were so many options. With briefs I only had two: fancy and colorful or cheap and white. One makes me look like a vain twink starring in his 24th video, the other makes me look like a child. My boxers are a lot more varied than that. I don’t even know how I ended up with so many to be honest, or why they are all still wearable. I mean you can divide them into two big categories, right? Boxers or boxer briefs but, the tricky part is, that those two have their own sub-categories and that frustrated me so much, like I think that was the second time in my life I gave that much thought to my underwear after the peer pressure in 5th grade made me do the switch from briefs to boxers. It was like this: boxers divided into solid colors, plaid, cartoon or stripes. On the other hand, boxer briefs divided into knee-length and thigh-length and then came the sub-sub-categories designer brand or store bought, followed by the sub-sub-sub-categories (this is mad, right?): stripes, cartoon or solid colors.  
I’m not gonna go into all my thought process behind my final decision. Partly because it was so deranged that I’m kind of embarassed to tell you and partly because, later, I knew that I could’ve worn anything and he would’ve liked it just the same, so it all seems pointless and pathetic now. I’m just gonna tell you that I went with the Calvin Kleins Kageyama got me cuz one day I told him that I really liked his (he was sweet that way).  
In hindsight, it was kind of fucked up that I was wearing something he had gift me to turn Oikawa on but back then it was 11:15 p.m. and I was sitting on the floor, about to cry from stress, with a bunch of underwear around me. I also really believed it was the safer choice cuz “who doesn’t like a guy in his calvins?!”  
So yeah, at 11:20, you had me in front of the mirror taking selfies in nothing but my underwear and a leather jacket (another gift from Kageyama… yeah, I hate myself too) trying every pose a boy with my body can sort of pull off. One hand on the hip; legs apart and fingers barely touching the lips; body curved in a way that the butt sticks out; sitting down with one leg bent and my arm resting on it. Think about any picture you’ve ever seen of a twink in underwear and I can assure you I tried it or some variation of it. By the time I was done it was already 11:30 and I had no will to try and pick the best photos. I just went eeny, meeny, miny, moe on them and sent him four preceded by a “THANK YOUUUUU!!!” and followed by a “hope you like these :3c”. Then I sent him a last message that said “See ya soon ;D” and with that I got dressed, packed all the underwear scattered around the floor, wrote a note to my mom that said “I left early for school, see you in the afternoon. Have a good day :) ~ Shouyou” and headed straight to the door as quietly as I could.

I got out and it was so easy to take those first steps. I’m not sure if it was my resolution to get out of my boring depression driven routine, or if I wasn’t letting myself feel anything but I kept on walking down the street until I reached the end of it. That’s when I got on my bike and, as I started riding away, I felt it: the fear from the realization that, one day, I was gonna do this same thing but without the intention of coming back and I was totally ok with that. All those moments I lived, the laughs I had, the tears I shed. All those things that, at some point, I believed they made me who I am just didn’t weigh on me any longer and I didn’t feel like dying. I just kept riding. I didn’t even do it faster or slower. I just ride the same way as if I was going to school. What is wrong with me?

After that, I didn’t think about anything on my way there. Not even about the fact that I was totally gonna arrive there almost by surprise. I also didn’t feel much. Not until I got there and found myself completely shocked. You never expect people you know to have big houses and Oikawa’s was the biggest one I had ever seen; in person, at least. I still think that if I hadn’t seen, on one of the pillars that framed the main entrance, the big beautiful sign made out of tiles that read Oikawa in cursive (how did they do it?!), I would’ve probably returned home. It was just that big, that otherworldly. I’m really not good with numbers so I can’t exactly tell you how big it was but, let’s just say, that if it weren’t for the enormous black gate surrounding the whole property, you’d walk in there and would look for the main desk to check in. It was hotel big for sure, though it wasn’t a skyscraper, no, it probably was four floors high but it just expanded ridiculously throughout the land. But the strangest thing was how much it felt like a work in progress. I don’t even know why, it just felt that way.  
I got off my bike and let my backpack fell on the floor. The hollow sound it made when it landed made me realize how heavy it was from all my clothes and how much my back hurt from carrying it. I took a step, my legs were numb, almost unresponsive but I managed to walk all the way to the other pillar, where there was a steel rectangle with a white button and a speaker that I figured to be the doorbell. I checked my phone to look at the hour. It was 4:00 a.m. (told you it was a long way from home!) and I had one unread message from Oikawa asking me “how soon?”. This made me see how fucking savage it was what I had just done. How rushed and stupid. Invasive even. Though I knew I couldn’t just go back. It was physically impossible for me right then. I preferred to face the consequences rather than the pain of getting back on my bike and ride away with that rock I had turned my backpack into. So I rang the doorbell.  
There was no response.  
I rang again and same thing. Then again and I almost gave up cuz the idea that he probably wouldn’t answer the door at this hour seemed way too real. But I tried one last time and that’s when I heard it, Oikawa’s voice, painfully aggressive and groggy at the same time, all robotic because of the speaker, asking “The fuck are you doing here?!”  
My heart started beating, heavily. I didn’t know what to say so I just blurted out: “I… eh… it’s Hinata…”  
“I know that! Fuck! What the… do you know what fucking time it is?!” said Oikawa and I couldn’t figure if his voiced had become a pitch higher out of anger or because of the speaker. Either way, it fucking scared me. I noticed that above the speaker was a little black circle that I figured it to be a camera. He could see me; that’s why he knew it was me. I felt like a little kid being scolded. Tears formed in my eyes. 

“I… uh… it’s four… I’m so sorry, may-“ my voice broke and a tear rolled down my left cheek. “May I come in?”

“Fuck, Hinata… the fuck is wrong with you?!”

“I’m so-“

“Shut the fuck up!”

Another tear rolled, this time down my right cheek. There was a strong breeze that made me feel so cold and I noticed it was, more than anything, because of how sweaty I was. I unzipped my jacket and saw how soaked in sweat was my shirt. It was red. My mom gave it to me for my birthday. I had picked it out to wear that night because it matched with the jacket and the black skinny jeans that Sugawara had helped me choose one day. I was hoping Oikawa might like it. In truth, I was hoping for a lot of things but not that. Guess that’s just a proof of how stupid and naïve I can be.  
I took two steps back. I began to think that he was not going to let me in when I heard a big metallic buzz and the gate opened a little. Then Oikawa’s voice through the speaker, calmer but still undeniably angry, saying: “Get in… and close the gate.”  
I did as he said but I remained there, near the gate, with the backpack painfully hanging on my shoulders and my shaking hands trying their best to not let my bike fall. There was an orange brick road that led you all the way through the garden and ended right on the doorstep. Again, I can’t tell you exactly how long it was but it was long enough to make that walk seem like the hardest thing I would ever have to do. Not so much because of how tired I had become, but because I could see Oikawa at the end of it, all in black, waiting for me. Seeing him there made me snap out of my trance. All I could think was that I shouldn’t do anything else that might’ve made him angrier and he had told me to get in. I looked down and walked. Halfway there I lifted my head. My heart skipped a beat.  
There’s a stare Oikawa has that can make you feel like a soon to be victim. You don’t know what he might do but you know people will think about you that way when they’ve heard about it. I’ve grown used to it by now. So if I became paralyzed that night when I looked up, it was only because that had been the first time he had looked at me that way.


	6. Hinata gets a room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hinata's pov

When I got to the doorstep, he told me to leave the bike outside. Then he made a hand gesture to come in. I did so but trying my best to not look him in the eyes. Passing next to Oikawa through that giant doorframe was the scariest thing I had done in a very long time. He towers over me. I’ve never gotten over having to look up at people. Though it’s not something that’s actually noticeable since I’m good at appearing confident or, at the very least, not terrified. The truth is that every time I talk to someone taller than me, I feel like my voice might start trembling. I thought about this with my head down, staring at the wood floor, as I heard the door shutting behind me and I suddenly remembered how, just yesterday, Oikawa’s voice had trembled more than a couple of times in my presence. Though I didn’t get to wonder on the why of it because I suddenly felt his hand on my shoulder. It totally disarmed me. I thought he was going to push me and, with my backpack so heavy, I would’ve certainly fallen down to the floor. But then… he stroked my cheek.

Seeing him serve, people may think that Oikawa’s touch is harsh. They would be partly right, because it can be. He can be painfully cruel. He can make you cry, scream, beg and bleed. He can break you so bad that you might find the thought of dying to be peaceful. But he can also be so lovingly soft. I swear no other man would make me say that. It’s just that… he can make you feel so precious. It’s as if suddenly you see yourself transformed into this rare jewel that should be handled with utmost care. A deep and tender caring that no matter what you do or say, you’ll always feel like you don’t deserve it. And, that night, he stroked my cheek like that. I remember the feeling. First he placed his fingertips, as if he was asking for permission and then his whole palm. It was warm and cautious and, when I turned to look at him, his eyes had changed. They had become bigger and were no longer wishing me harm. Still, there was such sadness in them. He opened his mouth and I literally saw the words trying so hard to come out.

“I’m…” he looked away. “I’m sorry.”

His voice didn’t tremble at all when he said that, but I was speechless. The only thing I managed to do was touch his hand and I totally regret doing that. Though I’m not totally sure that I got to touch it? Like part of me thinks I just lifted my hand and he pulled his immediately. Either way, he looked like a scared animal and I felt so bad that I whispered No. Then there was this split of a second when I realized he had heard me and I felt like I couldn’t tell him I wanted him to put his hand back.

“No! I’m… I’m the one who should be sorry. I mean, I… I don’t know why I came, I…”

“No, no… it’s ok. Well… I just didn’t know you were coming at this hour and…”

“I know! That’s what I mean… I just got out of the house the moment I sent you the…” I was so ashamed at the thought of those photos that I never finished the sentence. I just looked away, hoping that I would come up with something that wouldn’t involve the photos, but I stepped into a trance because I finally noticed how pitch dark the house was.

It probably was that my nerves were on the edge until he touched me, because the sight (or the lack of one) was unnerving enough to be noticed at first glance. I mean, we were standing just below the only source of light in the whole house. Have you ever seen those videos where people stand at the edge of a really dark hole in the ground and just throw things at it to see how far it goes? I bet that a small part of you wonders what would happen if you fell into that hole and, that part of me, was fucking screaming, “Go! Go! Go! Go!” That was my whole trance basically. I must’ve looked pretty gone because Oikawa was the one who had to break the silence.

“Hinata?”

“Huh?” I had even forgotten what I was saying.

“Uhm… like I said, it’s ok. Don’t worry about it. You’re here now and this looks heavy,” he said, making a gesture to let him carry my backpack.

“Oh, no, no! I mean, it is heavy! But I can carry it! Just… if you don’t mind telling me where to leave it.”

“Ah… uhm… well you can leave it right here… unless you wanna see your room right now?”

“I have a room?”

“Sure…” He had the most baffled expression in his face. It had been a really dumb question to ask in a four-floor house as big as a fucking hotel. I mean, it probably had plenty, if not too much, guest rooms.

“Oh then… yeah. I’d like to leave it in… the room… if that’s okay…” I couldn’t bring myself to call it my room just yet.

“Ok… uhm… on which floor do you want your room?”

That’s such a cool question to be asked, right? It’s such a shame that my stunted brain thought that, somehow, it was implied that I was sleeping on the floor and it totally robbed me of the empowering feeling you must get at being asked that. It also got me so fucking nervous again because I wanted to say that I didn’t really wanna sleep on the floor, specially when he had already told me I was having a room for my own, but at the same time I didn’t wanna be so demanding. This thinking got so bad that I only managed to blurt out an “uh”.

“Hinata?”

“I, uh… what do you mean?” He looked almost frustrated at my question.

“I mean that there’s four floors and each one has more than a couple of guest rooms… and there’s no one else in the house besides you and me… so you can literally choose any floor for your room.” He said this as if it was the most obvious thing in the world… and it probably was! But, hey, I had just been through a lot of emotions in less than 10 minutes…

“I… I don’t know… anyone is fine…”

“No, I mean it, you can choose any floor.”

“Uhm… well, on which floor is your room?”

“I have a room on every floor.” 

“Oh… then… this one?”

“This one? Are you sure?”

“Uhm… yeah?”

“Nah, I bet you would like the third floor better… everyone likes that floor the most.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it has this really cool layout and the rooms are carpeted!”

“Oh, then that one’s fine, I guess… though anywhere you wanna put me is fine, really…”

“No, I mean it, you can choose any floor.” 

“Yeah, no, uhm… the third one is fine.”

“It is a good choice… though… now that I think about it… you probably won’t want to climb all the stairs with that thing weighing on your back… you did say it was heavy, right?”

“Yeah, it is.” There was a slight irritation in my voice then.

“Are you sure you don’t want this floor instead?”

“I… I don’t know, I guess this one’s better then”

“This one?”

“Yeah…”

“Are you sure?”

“I… am.” 

My voice trembled a little bit when I said that. That’s how frustrated I was feeling… though it didn’t compare to how I felt when I heard him chuckling and then he ruffled my hair, saying: I’m just messing with you!  
Now, here’s a piece of advice: unless you’re my mother or, at some point in your life, you babysat me, never, and I mean Never, ruffle my hair. It’s not cool… You know how demeaning that feels? People do that to children! Ugh… you know, Kageyama once called me mentally weak. But he doesn’t know how much mental strength it takes to assume your position. People near my age ruffling my hair is a constant in my life and, not gonna lie, every time they do it, I feel a little infantilized. Maybe a lot. The worst part is I feel like I can’t do anything about it. Especially not with my stupidly high voice. They would probably laugh at me and that’s… so much worse. Anyway… I’m just telling you this so you can get an idea of how much it took of me to just chuckle that night, instead of telling him to never do that again. Besides, there was also the fact that I had carelessly forgotten until that point, which was that I had told him he could do anything with my body. Anything. That includes ruffling my hair.  
So, yeah, I just shook it off and then he pulled his phone out. He was wearing silk pajamas that were so black that I never noticed the bottoms had pockets. He said, “Follow me” and turned on the light on his phone. Which was just bright enough to know where to step but not to get an idea of how the place looked like. I remember taking, at least, 20 steps before the wood floor ended and, below two steps of wood, a white marble floor started that soon enough turned black and stayed that way for a while. I could not believe we were walking that much to get to a room. Halfway between the white marble and black marble, Oikawa apologized for our limited source of light. He said that most of the light bulbs needed to be changed and he didn’t feel like doing it just yet. When I asked him why, he said: “I just don’t spend too much time here. It’s creepy.”  
Now, I think that’s the last thing you want to hear of a place you’re walking through in almost utter darkness. I don’t know if he did it on purpose or if he was just being honest, but I freaked out. We had been walking for what felt like minutes (tho it had probably been just seconds, maybe a minute) on that black marble when I looked back and saw the main door, which had look gigantic to me, being reduced to about half its size because of how far we were. Then I had to ask:

“Are we… there yet?”

“That depends,” said Oikawa. Our voices echoed now.

“On what?”

“Whether you want a room with or without a window.”

“Whichever is closer, please.”

“Then we’re almost there. Come.”

With that, he grabbed my hand and finally made a turn to the right. The black marble became white again in just about five steps and then there were those two steps of wood that led to an all-wood floor again. This time, it didn’t took as much for the floor to change from wood to carpet. I looked up and I could finally see something other than pure darkness at my sides. We had entered a hallway, which had walls that were half wood and half purple wallpaper with golden patterns. Still, I couldn’t see the ceiling, though that was mainly because Oikawa was flashing the light down. We walked briefly through that hallway and then we made another turn, this time to the left. Oikawa stopped.

“One last question,” he said and I was about to just let my backpack drop on to the floor. “Red or blue?”

“Red.” I didn’t really care. I only wanted to rest my shoulders.

“Good call.”

He began walking again and I was so relieved when, after five steps, we reached a door. Oikawa opened it and went inside. I followed him immediately. He flashed the light to a bed, the biggest one I had seen in my life, and said:

“You can leave your backpack there.” 

I practically bolted to the bed and threw my backpack at it. Then I let myself fall on it and my body ached at the softness of the mattress. Don’t know if that makes sense, but I do know I fucking moaned. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and I felt such a sense of relieve. This was it. A break from everything and the beginning of a new path to nowhere. Yes!  
I heard the sound of drawers being opened and then a match being lit. That last one made me open my eyes. Oikawa was lighting some candles placed on a candelabra. That was the first time I had seen one of those in real life. Though I didn’t think much of it and closed my eyes again. Seconds later, I felt a taping on my shoulder and when I opened my eyes, there he was: Oikawa Tooru.

Now, I don’t if this happens to you, but I’ve had many moments when I look at a someone I know and it’s like I’m seeing them for the first time. More often than not, they become beautiful to me. At candlelight, Oikawa was beautiful. His eyes were darker and kinder. He looked at me and I felt at peace because his eyes seemed to say: I want you here. For the first time in his house, I smiled. Then he smiled back at me and my heart started beating faster.

“You’re really here,” he said. “It’s so weird.”

“Why?”

“I just think about the first time I saw you and I can’t believe it.”

“Things just happen like that,” I grabbed his hand and he became visibly nervous, which was odd because yesterday we held hands and he seemed simply happy. “I’m really thankful for what you’re doing. There’s no reason for you to open the doors of your hose to someone like me but-“

“I’m just,” he looked away. “I’m just helping a friend and, well, I think my house is big enough for two people.”

“Oh, yeah! This is like the biggest house ever!” He gave me an uncomfortable smile that made me understand this was not something I should be saying.

“Uhm… can I get you some water? Or maybe you’re hungry-“

“Water would be great! But I could go get it myself if-“

“No, no, it’s fine! Are you sure you don’t want something to eat tho?”

“Maybe later… when the sun is up.”

“Why?”

“I… I just find it sad to eat when it’s dark outside.”

“Huh… ok, I’ll be right back, then.”

With that, he let go of my hand and walked out of the room, leaving the door open. I jumped out of bed and, with my back turned to the door, I started unzipping my jacket. I saw my shirt turned a shade darker of red because of how soaked in sweat it was. Disgusting. It really was stupid of me to wear it while riding my bike for so long. I took the jacket off, then I unbuttoned the shirt and the moment I threw it on the bed, I heard Oikawa’s voice. He was standing in the doorframe and had asked me if I wanted ice in my water. I said I would love that, with such a trembling voice, in hopes that he would leave immediately. He didn’t. I turned my head back and caught him scanning me with his eyes. It’s an interesting thing to be looked like that by someone you allow to. Even if, like all things in life, the more it happens, the less it affects you, there’s still that odd mix of shame and pride that makes you look away immediately with a smile forming on your lips. I almost started taking his stare as a compliment, thinking he liked the shape of my back. I’m not as resentful with my body as I let people believe. It’s true that I would like to be taller and bigger, but nevertheless I’m toned as fuck. I remember that on my first, and only, medical examination at Karasuno, the doctor told me that I have one of those bodies that have a hard time building muscle mass but have no problem loosing weight. He even warned me to not do any hard cardio or eat a fucking ton if I really needed to, lest I became bare bones. I had no problem with the eating and the exercise was a necessity to be on the team, so now I’m left with this body that seems to not store any fat. People actually get surprised by it. I guess they believe that underneath my shirt there’s a flat stomach and a ribcage permanently imprinted on my skin. Truth is, there’s abs, v-lines, pecs, the whole deal, just in a smaller scale. Not gonna lie, it looks weird. Like I’m a ripped gangly guy… but some dig it. Yachi loved it. She stared at it so hardly and took more than 300 pics of me naked. Though I’ve only seen 24 and, in half of them, I’m beheaded. It was truly nice to know I could be objectified like that by someone I knew and, in that moment, I thought Oikawa might have started doing it. But when I looked back, I saw his eyes were staring at my ass and then I realized my jeans were half way down (cuz it’s just more comfortable to wear skinny jeans that way), exposing a good chunk of my underwear.  
Now, I don’t have a problem with guys fetishizing me like that (if I had, I wouldn’t have brought all my undies with me) but, that time, it really let me down so I pulled my jeans up. This made Oikawa snap out and leave. Still, instead of getting mad at him, I got even more curious as to why he liked underwear so much. I had planned to change into more comfortable clothes but I had an idea, so I took off my shoes, socks, jeans, and finally the boxers (which were the same ones I was wearing in the photos… another detail I thought he might have appreciated… tho maybe he did?). There I was, naked in Oikawa’s house. I don’t have that much of a problem with nakedness but I was surprised at how normal it felt there. I realized it was because of the impersonal nature of the room. There wasn’t anything in it that felt like it belonged to someone in particular. It was like a fancy hotel room, minus the bathroom. No family pictures, books, clothes, or anything. Just a big ass bed, a bureau and a framed painting of a pond. That last one caught my eye. The water showed no signs of movement. It was just there. Frozen in time. I couldn’t look away from it. I felt my mind going silent. The same way it did as I rode my bike there. But then I heard a scared, little “Sorry” and I felt like I had just been woken up. So much so, that I looked around in confusion, saw no one around, and finally noticed the red wallpaper of the room. I thought, This is why he asked red or blue, and I “remembered” I was in Oikawa’s house so I called out: “Oikawa?” 

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were changing! I was just bringing you the water!” He said, his voice trembling, from the hall. I looked down and saw my penis dangling between my legs and I remembered my plan.

“That’s ok. Come on in, I need your help with something.”

“What is it?“ he came in, looked at me, and turned his head when he saw me still naked. He stayed there and handed me the glass of water, so I walked up to him.

“I was wondering if-“ I felt a little bit of shame that stop me mid-sentence. “If… you… would like… I mean, mind… uhm… the…”

I felt my heart racing. Making the request became harder than I ever thought and annoying too, for I didn’t think that shame quite belonged to me. There’s something weird about those moments of intimacy that come, out of the blue, between two people alone in a room but that, somehow, cast a sense of being observed by this omnipresent eye that judges you harshly and prevents you from doing what you really want to be doing. Or maybe’s just me that feels such things. More often than not, I fight it with a little bit of weed or three cans of beer. But that was not available to me at that time, so I had to be resourceful. I grabbed the glass of water and drank from it as I repeated to myself that, whatever I was about to say, would be more embarrassing for Oikawa than me. I almost believed it and almost was about enough for it.

“You see… I… the reason my backpack is so heavy… is because I brought a lot of clothes… mainly underwear,” I looked down, saw my penis, still dormant and crowned by the pubes everyone found so shocking and felt the same shame you feel when you look at your nails in the middle of a conversation and notice just how much dirt there is under them. I reacted the same way you do in those occasions: hide them, however possible. So there I was, stopped mid-sentence by my pubes, with a hand trying its best to cover them and the other holding an icy cold transpiring glass of water. Not the way I had planned that moment, but I had already said the key word in it, so there was no way back. Furthermore, I looked at Oikawa and his eyes traveled nervously from the backpack to me and I felt that it would be cruel to leave him like that. “All of my underwear, actually… so… I was wondering… if you would like to pick one for me to wear.”

I said that last sentence so fast; I feared he might have not understood me. I quickly placed the glass on my lips and drank from it, nervously, as I waited for his response. 1,2,3,4 seconds passed and each one heightened my nerves, but then he said something.

“You… want me to?” I just nodded, not looking at him, still drinking. “Why?”

“I… thought… you might like that?”

“Oh…” he let out a little laugh and my heart slowed down. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah… go ahead… look inside. I didn’t know what you liked the best so I brought everything I had.”

Oikawa walked to the backpack. Halfway there, he looked back at me, as if for approval, and the way he did it made me think of a child. Already there, he pointed at it and looked at me again. I felt like I needed to smile and nod at him just so he could dare to open it, which I did and, almost immediately, he did it. The underwear was what I had last packed so he saw it right away. He sat on the bed and went through it without shame. He seemed so determined. As if he already knew what he wanted and was just trying to find it. With his hands full, I saw my moment to ask.

“So what do you like about it?”

“I’m sorry?” His concentration literally broke before my eyes and I almost laughed.

“The underwear… you like what? The fabric?”

“Uhh… yeah, I guess.” I could see him trying his best not to look directly at me. Never really appreciated how much power I had over him back then, you know?

“You guess?”

“I mean… it’s not the whole reason, just like part of it.” He had stopped going through the underwear but had one of my briefs in his right hand. For a second I thought he was gonna hand me those to wear but then he placed them in the pile of discarded pairs, where all my best underwear was already on. 

“So then what’s the whole reason?”

“Uhm,” he started going through the other pairs. “Do you really want to know?”

“Yeah! I mean… I don’t get turned on by such specific things so… I don’t know, I guess it’s just interesting to know why some people do.”

“Huh… well… uh… I guess it’s just psychological… like everything, really! I mean… I was taught that underwear’s not supposed to be seen so… heh, so when I see another guy’s underwear it’s like… uhm, like I’m seeing something of him I shouldn’t be seeing and… and I don’t know, I guess that’s like… nice.”

“Hmm, I see… and like… since when do you feel that way?”

“Uhm… I… to be honest, I guess it goes all the way back to… hmm, to kindergarten, really…

“Wow!”

“No! But, I mean, I wasn’t like turned on by it back then… I just… I don’t know, I just liked looking at boys’ underwear… but for no particular reason, really… I just did… It didn’t turned me on until I was in middle school…” He seemed so nervous that I almost felt sorry for doing this to him. “Puberty, you know…”

“Yeah, yeah, no, I see… I kinda of get it but… like… do you get boner from it or is it just… uhm, a mind thing?”

“Heh… well, eh, sometimes… it’s mostly just like… a tingle-“

“A tingle!” An incredibly high-pitched giggle escaped from my mouth and Oikawa blushed so hard. It was adorable.

“What?! It does tingle! Like… down there-“

“Down there!” I was downright laughing at his face, completely red by then, but he didn’t seem mad. If anything, he looked like he was repressing a smile.

“What?!”

“I’m sorry! It’s just that… a tingle down there just sounds so pure and cute but fucking stupid!”

“Shut up!” He started laughing too. “It does feel like that! And you know what’s cute and stupid? These boxers! Put them on!”

“What?” He handed me the chosen underwear. “Oh… these ones? Really?”

He just nodded. They were some boxers from my middle school days with a pattern of small, cartoon-like Shiba Inus and cucumbers. I couldn’t believe he had chosen those but it was not like I could say no.

“Ok, uhm, would you hold this for me?” I asked, handing him the glass of water. “Why these, anyway?”

“Honestly… I kind of wanna see if they still fit.”

“As embarrassing as it is… I think they will.”

I slipped into the boxers. They were a little tight, especially around the bulge area (which, not gonna lie, felt like a small victory) but they fit alright. Oikawa loved it. You could see it in his eyes. They lit up and wouldn’t dare to even blink. I didn’t know how much I was craving to be looked that way by a man. Not that I had never been eyed before, but Oikawa made it seem like that look was reserved only for you. Somehow, I felt that it gave me permission to do anything I wanted. So I took a step towards him. He finally blinked and immediately got up, handing me back the glass. A misstep, I’ll admit. Went and scared the poor guy once again, but fuck I so wanted him to touch me right then… down there. Ok, no! I’m kidding… I did wanted him to touch me but anywhere would’ve been more than fine. It just had to be the right way and not the way in which he touched my shoulder then, all proper and friendly, very captain-like saying: “Thank you for doing this. It was nice of you. But you must be tired, so I’ll let you rest. Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat? I’m making breakfast in about an hour, but still-“

“Uhm… actually, I would like to sleep. My schedule is all fucked up… I only slept for two hours yesterday and I gotta go back to my house in the afternoon-“ 

“What for?” 

“Uhh… more stuff… I didn’t bring my laptop or my sketchbook… and I didn’t tell my mother I would not be around for the next couple of weeks so…”

“Is she gonna let you stay here?”

“Ehh… I’m not actually planning on telling her the truth. So it’s gonna be ok… I hope.”

“Hmm… well, at what time do you need to be there?”

“Around five or so… I’ll ride my bike! It’ll be fine.”

“Oh… ok, well,” he started walking away and turned around once he reached the doorstep. “If you need anything, I’ll be… uh, I guess is better if you just message me on facebook or something.” 

“Ah, yeah, sure! What’s the password tho?”

“I’m sorry?”

“For the wi-fi, I mean.”

“Oh… uh… it’s mother.”

“Oh… ok. Anyway, thank you so much for doing this. I really am so grateful like you have no idea!”

“Don’t even mention it,” he seemed like he really wanted to say something but just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Then he closed the door.

A crushing silence invaded the room and I found myself feeling incredibly sad. Though it’s not like it was something new. I’ve always felt that way the first time I have to sleep in a new place. Which is why I was never a big success at slumber parties. I mean, no one likes to wake up in the middle of the night to some pathetic little sobbing. Still, I thought I was over it or, at least, that’s how it felt to me during training camp. I had slept perfectly fine back then. Sure, some things had happened that might have kept me up two or three hours longer than usual, but this particular sadness was not present at all. I couldn’t even think of a reason on why it had come back at that moment until, as I was putting all the underwear away, the idea that this sadness might be caused by the absence of someone nearby that I’m sure genuinely cares for me started to feel more and more convincing. By the time I laid myself down to sleep, I was sold on this idea and I almost started crying because I realized that that someone who had kept the sadness away during camp had been Kageyama. But by then there was no way to get him back into my life and… fuck, who cares anymore. Even if I had managed to get back with him, I know now that whatever feeling of comfort he could’ve provided would’ve turned into boredom and then would come the anxiety, that feeling of being trapped and I would’ve end just like I was then, crying myself to sleep in an unknown room… or worst. Because life does that, it takes every milestone, every rush of passion, every moment of happiness and waters it down into a memory that you start treasuring so much that everything new just feels plain and reductive and, soon enough, that person in your memory will no longer be you and you’ll start wondering: am I me now? Still, life is also kind enough to let every low point become a memory too and I guess you can overcome everything if you really take in consideration those words we like to throw around so freely: this too shall pass. Though I hadn’t quite absorbed that last bit then and, for a moment, I thought that I would never be able to sleep cuz it had been long ago that I had laid down and my mind kept torturing me with past mistakes.  
But then I heard the door being opened and steps approaching me, so I pretended to be asleep. I don’t know what would’ve happened if Oikawa had seen me as wide awake as I was, but having him pull the covers up to my neck and petting my head four times was everything I needed right then. Suddenly I felt this warmth exploding in my chest and taking over my whole body and, in less than ten minutes, I was completely asleep.  
I had a dream that I was fine, that my major goal in life still was to become the second Small Giant, and I guess I liked it so much because I fell into such a deep sleep that I never felt like I was being moved. You see, when I woke up that day, I wasn’t in that red room, no, I was in the backseat of a moving car.


End file.
